You Wish
by theangelCas
Summary: Since elementary school he's been coming home, grinning after a fight, and you don't understand why he likes to get hurt.
1. Your Big Brother

Since elementary school he's been coming home, grinning after a fight, and you don't understand why he likes to get hurt. Sometimes he kicks ass, and sometimes he gets his ass kicked. But either way it's like he won. Broken noses and bloody knuckles. You wish you weren't used to the sight.

He goes around breaking girls hearts as if he doesn't know what it's like to be used and discarded. You see them at school, still doodling "Dean Winchester" in their notebook like they still might get him back. They have no idea that in a few days he'll be in a new town with a new girl, and it'll be like he never knew them. Because he's not looking for love, he's looking for a distraction.

He's always out on hunts, and you know, now, what that means. He says he kills evil things to save people. But when he's too drunk to remember, he says he wants to kill himself. Who would he be saving, then?

He still has his faith in John, and you'll never understand because you've spent your whole life putting your faith in _him_. And you are starting to realize that's where you both went wrong. Because he's put his faith in a broken man, and that only meant he was breaking himself. You don't want to become that. You don't want to follow them down that path.

He has nightmares and you pretend not to notice. He doesn't cry out when he dreams, but you can hear his breaths quicken, and you can see his fingers grasping at the sheets for something he'll never reach. You want to help him, but he won't let you. You wish he would talk to you, but he wakes up silently, evens out his breathing, and relaxes his grip. You can't tell if he ever goes back to sleep, but either way the silence is deafening.

Another broken promise from John, and he acts like he doesn't care. But you know it's killing him, and you want to kill John for it.

You know he'd rather you break his bones than his heart, but you don't see any other options. You can't stay here, anymore. You can't live this life that he says he loves so much. You have to go, and you know he won't come with. You wish you didn't feel so much like your father, right now.

You now understand just how broken he was. Selling your soul is as low as you can get. You wish you hadn't been the reason- that you hadn't been the gasoline to the fire he was setting himself. "I can fix this..." You say. "I can save him." You think you can piece him back together, one shattered piece at a time. If you can just keep him around a little longer...

When he comes back it's worse. He's with you again, and you're glad, but he's not the same. And neither are you. The boys you once were are gone. You're men, now. Yet you still childishly hold on to the idea that you can save him, and he holds on to the idea that he can't be saved.

You can tell that Ben and Lisa changed him. He's better, now. You spent your whole life trying to do what they did in just a year. You wish that he had stayed with them, but you know it was your own fault he left. He was always going to choose you. Maybe he hasn't changed _that_ much.

He's a whole different person after Purgatory. You can't keep up with how much he's changed in the last 8 years. You see how much Castiel has damaged him. You still can't believe he allowed the angel to get that close. Dean doesn't do that. That's what you do. You wish you could save Castiel, or at least help Dean cope with the loss. But you can't. Once again, you feel like everyone can change Dean but you.

After all these years, this is the man you're left with. You're not even sure who he is anymore. Is he still your brother? Is he still Dean? You wish you could say that his demonic side has been subdued, but you'll never be sure. At times, you can almost believe he's still young, still watching you like a hawk because you were the only thing he had to worry about. But other times, you can see his age. All those years of pain and torture and failure show through a goofy grin and a stupid joke. And then, even worse, sometimes you can see the evil. The Mark of Cain seems to be a permanent fixture in your life, now. And the demon inside him is here to stay until you fix it. _If _you can fix it. You wish you knew how. You wish you could have your brother back.


	2. Your Oldest Son

Your little boy is gone, and you wish you weren't the reason. If only you could convince yourself that it was only the loss of his mother that stripped away his innocence. That it had nothing to do with you. But even _you_ know that it's only a lie. You look over at his little brother, whom he loves so dearly, and you think that this time, you'll do it differently.

He's got a killer instinct you've never seen in someone so young. He's got deadly accuracy, and an eye for weakness. He'll make a great hunter one day. You'd be lying if you said you weren't proud.

You talk a lot, yet nothing is ever said. You're conversations have no substance to them anymore. He doesn't tell you about his day, or about his life. You almost wish he would. Instead, you train. You test him on monsters and guns. He let's you know how Sammy is. You know this isn't how it's supposed to be.

His brother is different. He's softer. He's kinder. You're afraid he'll never make it in the hunter world. Or, rather, you _would_ be worried if he didn't have Dean. You've made it more than clear that Sam is Dean's responsibility, and you know it's the one order he would never let slide. One one hand you're grateful, but on the other you're terrified.

You start, not for the first time, to wonder if you're doing the right thing. Maybe you're too harsh on the boy. Maybe you're too rough. You wish Mary was here to help you. She was always better with Dean than you were. He has more than just her eyes. He has her spirit, too, and her nurturing touch. You wonder if you should have handled the situation differently, but, what else were you to do?

You see him with his brother and you know you must have done _something_ right.

You get a call from the police station. He's been caught for stealing: bread and peanut butter. You tell them to let him rot. He has to learn his lesson, right? You rush back home to Sam, but you don't tell him what happened. You know he'd only be upset. You don't go to pick him up until you need him, again, for a hunt. He needs to learn his place. You can't have that kind of clumsiness, in this world.

You don't mean to take it out on him when his brother leaves, but you can't control yourself. You feel so angry and betrayed that he would ditch you like that. After all you've done for him. But then it hits you, that he didn't really care about any of that. He only cared about what Dean did for him. And that only adds to your anger.

When you leave him, you have no intention of coming back. You try not to think about how he's going to react. How betrayed he's going to feel, just like how you felt when Sam left. Except you don't even have the decency to tell him first. You wish things could be different, and yet you refuse to make them so. When you leave in the dead of night, you don't even glance back at him.

You know he's following you, and you wish he'd just give up already. But he'll never give up on you. You taught him that.

The past 22 years you've been hunting this demon. 22 years. And you're about to throw it all away. You want to live, you want to keep fighting the good fight, but two things hold you back. The first is Sam. You know what's inside him, and you know he's going to snap. You don't want to be the one who has to deal with that. You don't want to be the one to kill him, if that's what it comes to. And the other thing is guilt. How can you let your oldest son die? After all he's done for you, without ever complaining? _He_ deserves to live. _He_ deserves to fight. More than you ever will. So you make the deal: your life, for his. You wish, once again, that things could have been different.


	3. Your Best Friend

You wish you had gotten there sooner. After thirty years of torture, and ten years of torturing, there was no righteous man left to find. But you put him back together anyway, because it was your duty.

You know what he is _supposed_ to be. He's supposed to be your _savior_. He's supposed to stop the apocalypse and save the world. But this man... this was no messiah. This was a broken man who refused to accept the destiny God himself set out for him. You wish there was another way, but as you said, God sent Dean Winchester to you for this very purpose. Somehow, you'd make him see that.

You've been alive for a long time now, and in all that time never _once_ did you question your place in the grand scheme of things. Never _once_ did you question your authority. But there was something about him that made you think twice. Only he could have ever convinced you to rebel. He spoke of free will and choice, and you listened.

It was the strangest feeling, and you wish you could understand it. You were alone- your brothers and sisters thought you a traitor after you rebelled. You were blocked from Heaven, stranded on the Earth you understood so poorly. You were alone, and yet you weren't. You had him, after all. The Righteous Man and the Boy with the Demon Blood. It would be a long time before you realized what they meant to you.

You made a lot of mistakes while he was with Lisa. You tried to give him what he so desperately wanted: his brother. When that failed, you kept your distance. But you watched over him, anyway.

You always saw something special in him... but now, every time you see it more and more. He's stubborn and hard headed, but he's kind, too. He gave you a chance, and he believed in you. He was there for you when even your brothers and sisters turned their back, and you will never forget that. You wish you knew how to repay him.

He'll never trust you again, you're sure of that. You betrayed him, and he did not hold back to let you know. You wish he would forgive you, you wish you could earn his trust back, but you're not sure that will ever happen.

Maybe you're a little lost. Maybe you're not yourself. You don't want to fight anymore, even though he wants you to. You wish you could make him see the beauty in acceptance and peace. You'd rather watch the bees, but if he asked you to- if he truly needed your help, and only your help- you would fight again.

Purgatory is harsh. You know you have to stay away from him, or you will only be putting him in even more danger. You hear him praying to you, every night, calling you back. You wish you could go to him, and explain yourself. But for now, you have to keep running.

Your decisions were not your own, and you wish that he could see that. You left him, standing bewildered in that crypt, and you're so sorry for that. But right now, you can't stop going over his words in your head, over and over. "You're family. We need you. I need you." You wish you were better at this human stuff. You wish you could voice that you felt the same way. But instead, all you do is leave.

You wish you could be angry with him for kicking you out. You wish you knew how to funnel these hurt feelings into anger, but you can't. You don't know why, but you can't.

You're starting to understand, now, how humans work. They are stupid, self-destructive, and impulsive. Or maybe that's just him. You look at the Mark of Cain, and you know how bad he must have been. How bad he must have hurt inside to put that thing on his arm. You wish that you had followed him, rather than Sam, but had that been the case, who knows what Sam would have done. Maybe something similar. Because they're family, and they'll do anything they think will help the other. You're starting to feel like you'd do the same.

Until you met him, you didn't know what love was. You thought it was nothing but the force that made humans reproduce. Now you know better. There's so much more too it, and it's amazing. To be human is to love, and never before have you wished so much to be human.


End file.
